I want to go somewhere with endangered species on the menu

Him: maybe one of these evenings I can take you out if you can find time between the other boys who must be banging your door down

==========

 E: Hm, how come finding out that I'm newly single elicits an automatic assumption that I want random dudes to take me out? I mean, I do want that, just with guys that don't have stupid faces.

K:  Does he have a stupid face? Also...you aren't a petting zoo horse..he can't stand in line for a turn.

E:  His face is pretty stupid. Also, he has asked me out before. Two points for persistence, I guess? At least he recognizes that I'm a hot commodity.

K:  -3 points for having a stupid face

E:  So he's in the negative, which means I should NOT go on the date. +1 for free meals, though? Eh? Eh?

K: Depends on your strategy for a free meal? Do you have to fake makeout for it? Sing for your supper? Or do you say good night and walk away? Are we talking the sizzler or are we talking Hungry mother?

E:  I want to go somewhere with endangered species on the menu. You're right, even with the +1 for free meals he's still at 0, so I should stay home and eat Ramen.

Did we ever really hang out…or did you look at the back of my head?

Him: soooooooooooooooooooooo..should we ever try to hang out again, or just forget it?

========

E: Did you get that right there? I can read what he wrote, but all I'm seeing is, "You are sick in the head, but I'd still be up for boning you."

K:  maybe you should say " sorry...I was in a horribly mangling accident where I lost my short term memory...who are you? Did we ever really hang out...or did you look at the back of my head?"

 E: Maybe I should act awkwardly and run out on my dates after a half hour with a bad excuse every time, because clearly my back left a strong impression on this guy.

E:  I mean, him telling me he was naked the other day totally caused me to have a complete change of heart. Because that happens all the time.

Play with his joystick perhaps?

HIM: "I thought you might like to know that I'm naked right now."

========

 E: oh, wow, thanks for the update! I'm in my car already driving to your house. This tactic works so well on women!

K:  also...same guy that wrote " So thank you, it's been a long time since I've seen someone that desperate to get out of my house"..how'd he know you were watching him sleep with your night vision binoculars just hoping...no...praying... to see him get naked...

 E: I get naked like 3 times a day and I don't text message anyone about it!

 K: maybe you should..I'd like to know. Also, really? 3 times a day? What are you doing for that MIDDLE nakedness?

E: Shower, gym clothes, pajamas. Those are my 3 naked times. I wonder which one this guy was on when he texted me? Or is he one of those weird people who plays xbox naked and then texts innocent women?

K: Play with his joystick perhaps?

E:  *cries* why can't guys that I want to see naked send me texts like this? Why is it always dudes with scary apartments with random locked doors?

 K: I just got back from a meeting with a "how to avoid being a rape victim" safety moment..and I thought of you!

 E: I wonder if this guy has a van and candy and Lovely Bones glasses, or if he's just really desperate to get laid? Maybe my back is the most he's seen of a woman in a while? Maybe he's a really nice guy who just wants to buy me dinner?

K: maybe he's not just faking handicapped so that you help him into his van where he injects you with a horse tranquilizer and you wake up in a hole in the basement where he is telling you "rubs they lotion on the skin" and makes a skin coat out of your behind.

E:  Really dude? I'm never going on a date again. Thanks.

 K: your parents should have had me give you that talk before you lost your v-card

E:  Do you have any idea how much trouble (and cryptic text messages) that would have saved me?

Textimation

 

The text:

Him: So thank you, it's been a long time since I've seen someone that desperate to get out of my house.
E: You're right, I'm mentally unstable and shouldn't have come at all.
Him: I would agree with that. At any rate, having had a great view of your back for 20 minutes, your back looks nice.

K: eeeekkk, 1) confrontational much!?! you are only supposed to analyze this with friends not to the person who ditched you
2) why is he staring at your back? did he follow you home in his car without the headlights on?

E: Did you get that right there? Apparently my date on Saturday went a lot worse than I thought it did. He was staring at my back because he didn't have any proper furniture and I had to sit facing that way! No wonder I couldn't wait to get out of there! But, good thing I have an attractive back, for a mentally unstable person at least.

K: What, were you watching a movie in the penis ...not balls seating position? I dont understand??? Also why were you late...were you creepy driveby stalking?

E: I was late because I went to dinner with Dan! The nightvision binoculars didn't come out until after the terrible date. Back to the text. I'm pretty sure he's just being a dick.

K: also...what he really said was " you can treat me like shit...yet i'd still do ya" god...the ones we treat like shit ..want us ..and the ones we are nice to..don't ...men are fucked up

E:  I don't think he'd still do me. He definitely thinks I'm cray-cray. The whole thing was a complex scheme to make me feel like shit for not making out with him.

 K: maybe he's taking you down a few pegs to make you feel like dirt so you feel like you have no other options but to bang him...maybe because we are fucked up? SOMEONE IN THIS SCENARIO IS FUCKED UP!

Actually I own this restaurant

Him: Hey
Him: Whatcha doin?
Him: I'm day-drunk
K: What's up?
Him: Nothing. Feel like hanging and watching televisions with me?

=====

E: Translation: I'm so self-centered I don't even wait for your response first to tell you what I'm doing. Feel like coming over and making out with me, since I'm drunk and won't feel so bad about putting your feelings through my Magic Bullet?

K: He basically asked me to come over and give him a BJ ....thats what that says...."come over and lick my penis for 2 hours...because I've been drinking and it will take that long"...
And I said ..." I can't ... I'm reading sewing patterns"
Yes...I'm DONNEEEEEEEE...I'm over you ...moved on....SUCKER

E:  Awesome, now that you've moved on he's going to want you so hard. You should torture him as much as possible.

K:  From now on...I'm only going to eat Popsicles around him him...and bananas in a single bite! To show him how much he's really missing. Extra low cut tops and short skirts. Maybe bring over some homemade porno's and ask or critiques? Yes.....he's going to RUE the day. Rue the day...what brit came up with that. I wonder if it was a typo..."you're going to ru(l)e the day!" cleopatra said to caesar.

 E: That's the way to do it. Flaunt the titties. Invite him out to dinner and be all, "Actually I own this restaurant," etc.

Kick that junk baby

HIM: "I just watched "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" in its entirety and I didn't hate it. What is happening to me?!?"
K: "did you find your penis is shrinking into your vagina?"

========

K:  Take that ...what I really said was " I'm over you ...you pansy"

E:  Nice! I see what you did there. The rock-throwing, hair-pulling, chase-you-on-the-playground method.

K:  I was more going for rock-throwing, hair-pulling, junk kicking...less chase method...but hey...whatever works!

E:  Kick that junk baby! I mean, what response did he expect to elicit? "Oh baby, you're so sensitive, how are my pants still on?"

Where is Dan Brown when you need him?

HIM: "we should blow off the rest of the work day"
E: "what would we do?"
HIM: "I'll go back to sleep, you can do whatever you want"

K: what he means is .."I'm king of the douches...all hail to me and my combover...I will sleep while you sprinkle me with Rogain"

E:  hahahahaha. I mean, seriously, why doesn't he JUST say that he HATES ME and I'm STUPID instead of being so subtly mean!?

K: maybe there is a secret encrypted message that I’m just not getting...where is Dan Brown when you need him!?!?

E:  There's no message, other than "I just invited you to lunch to tell you I hate you because you are a cripple."

K: He can laugh now! but you are riding cowboys again! ( i mean horses) YOU will be laughing my friend

Textimation

HIM: how much do you hate me 1-10 right now
E: 8
HIM: hm
ok
well, i didn't do anything wrong so
alright
E: Wait maybe I mean 2
HIM: also now that im sitting still i feel the beers...

K:  OHHHH....soo much to break down…I feel like I need an MTV news special. Is he facebook chatting with you from his car?!!?! I feel like you only do that when you are crushin' Right? like what is the immediate urgency to have this FACEBOOK conversation. Also..what happened to texting/sexting ...I miss the good ole' days

K: Can we also throw him a pity party complete with streamers of tears and balloons of anguish? "you will ...eventually" hate him? Well if he is going to be whiny like that ...I will hate him for you!

E: I think he was already home. I was FB chatting from my phone though, which was nervewracking! What if I lose service and he thinks that I really h8 him? Also why did he suddenly have to "go"? Was his mom yelling at him to turn off the computer and go to bed? Him opening the conversation with "How much do you hate me" implies that he felt guilty for not hanging out with me (whether or not I was actually upset), so why does he feel an obligation to hang with me? And WHY, oh WHY, did he say that I will hate him "eventually"? I want to zap him with my lightning trident.

 K: Did you send him a grimacing stare that pierced through his heart like a buffy the vampire slayer when you left his car?

E:  No, I said "Nice meeting you!" to his roommate who was in the back of the car and then sexily sashay-limped out of the car with my almost empty six-pack.

 K: Oh..someone else was in the car? Why does he think you would have expected him to hang out (at not your home) when someone else was in the car? I mean...unless he's into that (not judgment..more jealousy...get it).

E:  also, he had told me like 5 times he was exhausted and going to bed, so. I don't even... I mean, HE DENIED that he is "weird" when I called him out on it, so I must be crazy, right?

 K: he's got low self-esteem baby...(also you "baby" 'd him)...I’m sure he doesn’t want you to think anything bad about him. Forty was like, “He has a hipster combover to hide the fact that it’s a real comb over" ....BURN.....

E: hahaha that is kind of mean. Mean but true.

Textanalysis

 

(while standing 3 feet away from each other)

Him: Sup shawty

K: Maybe he wanted you to knock boots (get it because you weren't wearing yours) in his van. Hey kid...I've got a dog and candy just inside the van

E: Maybe he was channeling his inner white rapper and didn't know how else to initiate flirting since I looked so hot.

K:  maybe he didn't know how to handle your radiance and couldn't look dead on like a solar eclipse....so he used his cell phone text like a pinhole projection method.

E: I'm pretty sure he was just letting me know he was interested. That's why he didn't want to hang out afterwards at all...

K:  Maybe next he'll pull your hair and chase you around the playground...i mean there was 4 square at the fest..it was like hipster version of my 3rd grade. Ahhh..brendan gilpatrick...how i loved thee...

E: come on, 3rd graders don't have iphones! I think he wanted me to come hang out with him instead of talking to the girl I was talking to. Maybe? Right?

K: was the girl you were talking to me ? Does that Douche not like me! Mother Effin' Doucher!

E: Nooo, I was talking to that Shannon girl! But it seems like that doucher doesn't like anyone, so.